Well the moment has finally arrived, after all these agonizing months of waiting, you will finally be able to take part in one of our breathtaking (literally, for the worst) trips that stresses the meaning of "This is what we do".
THE SETUP:
Sometime in February, a few of us here at Delphis received in an email: a link to a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill from our boss. The name alone stirred my curiosity and just by looking at the pictures on the site, I knew its name rung true to its reputation. Imagine a CHEESEburger (please note the emphasis on the cheese part) with FOUR patties each with the diameter of a croquet ball and as thick as a ream of college ruled paper (strange comparisons I know) on top of bread and a HALF A POUND OF CHEESE!!! I didn't realize how much cheese that was until I put into perspective that this burger has as much cheese as a double quarter pounder has meat. Now you are probably wondering why I have not shown a picture of this yet, well that is because I want the element of suspense. There is no fun in finding out that *STAR WARS SPOILER ALERT STAR WARS SPOILER ALERT* Darth Vader is Luke's father before watching Star Wars. Just keep reading and I promise all will be revealed.
After a few laughs and a few false heart attacks we put this aside and went on with our day. Then about a month passes and during a meeting, a few of us are told that we have to show up at the office at the last Saturday of the month at 4 in the morning, but we are not told why. After weeks of guessing games we all give up and figure we'll find out sooner or later.
JUDGMENT DAY:
(*not to be confused with any religious references, this is simply as clever as I could be right now)
I wake up at 3 am, which I might add looks a lot like 10:30 pm, at one of my coworker's place and we all head down to the office to be there before 4 am. Once at the office, we are waiting still confused (and tired) until our boss comes out and begins passing out these envelopes with "Top Secret" written on it. We are told to not open this envelope until he gives the go ahead, then we head to the parking lot, where things begin to get interesting.
In the parking lot waiting for us is a limo that my boss hired to take us... wherever it is we need to go.
(yes I know the issue of taking a picture of a black limo at night...I know)
Once we are all loaded up the limo heads off to... wherever it is we are going. Eventually we show up at the airport, where the bells and whistles start to go off in my head of where we are going.
Once inside the airport my boss has us open our envelopes, and what I feared the most came to be: We are flying to the Heart Attack Grill. In complete disbelief, we start heading to the boarding area and wait to begin our trip to Arizona... for a cheeseburger.
So two flights later here we are in Arizona, and as we walk outside of the airport we meet up with an "inside man" who picks us up and takes to do battle at the Heart Attack Grill.
THE TIME HAS COME!!!
Once inside it turned out to be everything the website said it was: Painfully tasty.
We find some seats at the bar area where we are given a perfect view of the star of the show: the grill. We are taken care of by a nice waitress who takes our orders. Typically when you hear about nice waitresses, you think of someone who is very courteous, assertive, and personable, which is exactly what the Heart Attack Grill provides for all their customers, and uniforms that needless to say, stand out in a crowd. All the waitresses are dressed in very… eccentric uniforms that resemble a connection to what a nurse would wear. With more variety than Spanish soap operas, the nurses were dressed in everything from one piece ending in short skirts, to two piece outfits with matching head pieces adorning a very familiar red cross.
I know it would have been easier to say they wear nurse outfits, but if you Google Heart Attack Grill, you will eventually find articles regarding lawsuits about nurses suing the restaurant for the use of the word nurse to portray the… fashionably dressed waitresses at Heart Attack grill. I am simply making sure my bases are covered on a legal aspect.
Now before coming here I was thinking of eating very...moderate portions. However, as time passed, I began to realize that I may never do this again, I began to erase moderate from my vocabulary and order the biggest burger they had: The Quadruple Bypass Burger.
As we are all waiting for our meals and enjoying the unlimited amount of fries deep fried in pure lard, we notice a camera crew running around the restaurant and realized that a celebrity is in the building.
The host of the Food Network show "Will Work For Food" Adam Gertler was at the Heart Attack Grill filming an episode for his show (I know what you are thinking, and the answer is no, my boss did not arrange for him to be there, it was pure coincidence). Surprisingly, Gertler turned out to be a real nice and laid back person. I always imagined that everyone would be tense and have on-the-clock schedules while they film (which I am sure they had) but Gertler still made time to walk around and talk to people off camera and really show how personable he is. The Food Network knows how to pick their show hosts.
After excitement of having Adam Gertler here died down, I looked at the grill and saw my burger just about ready to be taken off the grill.
There are a few things in life that I take seriously, and food is on that list. I was prepared to do whatever it took to make sure that I finished this burger in one sitting. And when they brought it too me I was ready to dig in and go to work, but I stopped because I figured the burger should at least be dressed up for this, and a few pictures for the millions and millions of fans out there.
Sitting down, I wished for the best and went at it. Now there are pictures showing this feat, however some may think that they are too graphic (if not, then just extremely messy) to show on this blog but I will show what I can.
Well 14 minutes later, I finish my burger which easily made the list of the best three burgers I have ever had in my life. What made it better was the fact that it was a truly honest burger. Even before walking through the doors I watched the owner Dr. Jon say in an interview that this food is unhealthy, and as odd as that sounds, I respected this restaurant so much more because of that.
After it was all said and done, some terrible news came my way. In the area where Adam Gertler was, he found out three people who had ordered the Quad and asked if they would like to compete to see who could finish the Quad the fastest and they were going to be aired on national television doing it. As if that wasn't enough I found out that the winner did it in 17 minutes! Had I arrived ten minutes earlier, I could have had the opportunity to be on national television and win an eating competition. Heartbroken (pun intended), my boss was able to get a few of the lovely nurses the take some pictures with me, and even Adam Gertler and the owner Dr. Jon were able to get a few pictures in with a few of us. Needless to say that made my day till one of the nurses told me she finished a Quad in 10 min. And to think I felt accomplished…
After our photo shoot, we drove around trying to find something to do until we had to be back at the airport and found out that the Angels were training close to where we were so we made the trip to the stadium in hopes of finding some last minute tickets. However, we were out of luck when we found out the stadium was sold out.
So instead of driving around for hours we decide to park it at a hotel and relax before taking off. Yet, even on a fun trip like this, we were able to get a few meetings in regarding the business side of things.
Once it was time to go, we started back on our trip home. I was relieved to be going home, not because it was not fun, but I was tired from all the food I ate.
What started off as a funny email had quickly turned into a painfully glorious trip. I think although this is the first blog about Delphis, this one alone shows our motto loud and clear: This is what we do!In the next episode of the bizarre adventures of Delphis Software:
What happens when you write a blog about food and randomly enter into a local food eating competition because of research?
And, have you ever wanted to see/eat a 9 pound burger?
All coming up next time on *theme music* The Bizarre Adventures of Delphis Software!!!
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